Question#
10:
My
boyfriend
says he
has never
had an
orgasm.
Yes he
ejaculates
but, he
has never
had the
overwhelming
feeling of
gratification.
My
question
is, how do
I make him
make the O
face, for
lack of a
better
word. I
want to
make him
tingle the
way he
makes me.
Reply
to# 10:
Physiologically
speaking,
a man
climaxes
(or has an
orgasm)
when he
ejaculates.
So it may
be
improbable
that your
boyfriend
is
ejaculating
without
climaxing.
So, let us
look
deeper
into his
claiming
that he
has
never had
an orgasm
and you
wanting to
"make him
make the O
face".
It appears
that both
your needs
are not
being met.
Him
claiming
that he
does not
orgasm
with you
is his way
of saying
that he,
perhaps,
wants
you to be
more
active
during
sex. Since
neither
you, nor
I, can
read
his mind,
why don't
you try
asking him
what
exactly
his wants
are. Ask
him what
you both
are not
doing that
he would
like to
try. Ask
him
what he
would like
you to try
with him,
and if it
is ok with
you, play
out
his
fantasies.
It appears
that part
of your
psycho-emotional
fulfillment
is
associated
with you
pleasuring
your
partner,
which is
fine. But
remember,
ultimately
we all are
responsible
for our
own
orgasms.
Good luck,
and
remember -
sex is
supposed
to be fun.
Question#
11:
I have a
kind of
embarrassing
problem.
Sometimes
when I
masturbate
my mind
wanders
and random
people pop
in my
head,
sometimes
family
members.
After, I
am ashamed
that this
happened.
I don't
think I
can face
these
people. I
feel
terrible
and
disgusting.
Is this a
normal
thing?
Reply
to# 11:
Fantasizing
while we
masturbate
is a
"normal"
expression
of our
sexuality.
Sometimes
people we
know and
are
attracted
to "pop"
into
our
consciousness.
And
sometimes
these
people
just
happen to
be
family
members,
whom we
consider
inappropriate
or even
taboo
to
consider
in a
sexual
manner.
Keep in
mind that
there is
nothing
wrong
in
fantasizing,
whether
conscious
or
unconscious,
just as
long as
you
do not act
upon your
fantasies.
This is
not
uncommon,
so do not
beat
yourself
up over
this
"normal"
situation.
Question#
12:
I am a 29
year old
male and I
have had
sex
before,
but with
my
current
girlfriend
I cannot
seem to be
able to do
it. She is
a virgin
and we
have tried
a few
times but
I cant
seem to be
able to
enter her.
Could you
please
help us?
Reply to#
12:
From your
question
it appears
that you
believe
that your
girlfriend,
being
a virgin,
has
something
to do with
this
issue. I
am
assuming
here that
you are
"unable to
enter her"
because
your
partner's
vagina is
not
expanding
enough to
allow your
erect
penis to
begin
intercourse.
Could it
be that
she is
anxious
about
having
intercourse?
Or perhaps
that she
is not
ready for
such a big
step in
her life
at the
present
time? I
would have
a serious,
honest,
and
nonjudgmental
discussion
with your
partner to
see how
she really
feels
about
making
love. If
see feels
that she
would like
to wait a
while
longer,
you must
respect
her
decision.
Feeling
pressured
into
having
intercourse
is
something
which will
make the
experience
unpleasant,
to say the
least, for
both
partners.
If your
partner
sincerely
wishes to
have
intercourse
with you,
but is not
lubricating
adequately
for
introitus
(penis
entering
vagina),
you could
try
external
lubricants
like K-Y
Jelly
(found in
every
drugstore).
Placing
some K-Y
around her
vaginal
opening
(and a
little
inside, if
possible)
and then
some on
your penis
may
facilitate
initial
entry. If,
however,
your
partner's
vagina is
closed
shut and
is
"convulsing",
so to
speak,
with
attempted
introitus,
she may be
experiencing
a
condition
known as
"vaginismus".
The
psychological
cause here
stems from
anxiety or
fear of
something
(getting
pregnant,
premarital
sex,
sexually
transmitted
diseases,
to list a
few).
There are
behavioral
exercises
to reduce
and
eliminate
these
symptoms,
but I
recommend
you first
find a
couples
therapist
to fully
explore
your
partner's
unconscious
resistances.
You can
help her
through
your
unconditional
love and
support.
Question#
13:
I have
been
sexually
active for
two years
no and I
have never
had
an orgasm
during
sex. I
have only
had
external
orgasms,
when i
touched on
the
"outside".
I hate
faking
orgasms,
it makes
me feel
awful. I
was
wondering
if there
is ever
any
medication
prescribed
for this?
maybe
medicine
to make my
inside
sensitive.
Reply to#
13:
When
you talk
about
"having
sex", I'm
assuming
you mean
intercourse.
First of
all,
please
allow me
to give
you some
background
history/knowledge
about your
issue. In
the
sixties,
sex
researchers,
Masters
and
Johnson,
concluded
that only
1/3 or 30%
of females
ever
climax
while
having
intercourse.
This is so
because
the main
"part" of
a woman's
genitalia
which,
when
stimulated,
leads to
orgasm, is
the
clitoris.
During
coitis,however,
because of
the angle
of the
penis
entering
the
vagina,
there is
not much,
if any,
tactile
stimulation
on the
clitoris.
Hence,
most women
can not
achieve
orgasm by
intercourse
alone. One
"solution"
is to
masturbate
while your
partner is
having
intercourse
with you.
This
stigma of
"internal"
versus
"external"
orgasms
began in
the 1930s
with
Sigmund
Freud,
considered
the father
of
psychoanalysis.
According
to
him, women
who
experienced
a vaginal
orgasm
were
"mature",
while
those who
experienced
a clitoral
orgasm
were
"immature".
This
"theory",
albeit
now
outdated
and
unaccepted,
pathologised
women; it
made those
women who
could not
climax
through
intercourse
feel
inadequate
and
inferior
to those
who could.
Next...you
"faking "
orgasms is
not such a
good idea
since by
doing so
your
partner
probably
feels that
whatever
he is
doing is
adequate
to bring
you to
what he
considers
is orgasm.
He needs
to be
educated
about your
body and
what your
needs are
for you to
climax. In
sum, don't
be
concerned
about
"where"
your
orgasms
are coming
(mind the
pun) from;
luxuriate
in the
fact that
you are
having
them.
Question#
14:
I'm a 20
year old
guy and in
a full
sexual
relationship
with my
girlfriend
of
a similar
age. I
regularly
find it
difficult
to last
very long
(not too
short) but
the sex
seems too
good to
last that
long for
me. I have
been in
relationships
before
where I
have
lasted up
to hours
having
intercourse
but it's a
different
story now.
I love my
girlfriend
and would
like
nothing
better
than to
give her
the best
pleasure
she can
get. I try
stop-and-go
lovemaking
but
sometimes
grudge it
as when I
start to
increase
speed and
length in
time she
enjoys it
more but I
end up
having to
stop, or
orgasm.
Then
either way
she is not
having the
orgasm,
which is
all I
want. Also
sometimes
when I
stop for a
while
(stop-and-go
lovemaking)
I
sometimes
lose my
erection.
This is
becoming a
big
problem
for me as
I know
I've been
able to
last
longer
before and
all I want
is to give
my
girlfriend
an orgasm,
through
intercourse
as I know
if I
lasted
longer she
would. I
know it
would be
easier to
pleasure
her in
other
ways, but
we both
want it to
be
especially
through
intercourse
as well.
Please
help me
overcome
this
problem
and give
me any
advice
that could
benefit
the
situation
as it
makes me
feel very
low and a
failure at
times. How
can I
solve this
and
eventually
make her
orgasm
through
intercourse
without
having to
stop-and-go
or without
reaching
orgasm
myself too
soon?
Reply to#
14:
You
neglected
to say if
your
girlfriend
has ever
had an
orgasm
through
intercourse
(with you
or any
other
partner).
If she has
had orgasm
by
way of
intercourse
in the
past, but
is
presently
experiencing
difficulty
climaxing
in a
similar
way with
you,
perhaps
you need
to openly
discuss
your
relationship
(sexual
and other
issues)
with her.
A woman
needs to
be in a
safe,
intimate
"space"
for her to
achieve
orgasm.
If, on the
other
hand, she
has never
had an
orgasm
through
intercourse,
she and
you should
take
solace in
the
statistical
fact that
only
one-third
or all
women
ever
climax
through
intercourse.
If you are
adamant
about
having
your
girlfriend
achieve
orgasm
while you
are
penetrating
her, ask
her to
simultaneously
masturbate
herself.
Keep in
mind that
it is not
your "job"
to give
her an
orgasm,
and that
her not
climaxing
is not
your
failure.
Question#
15:
I am 20
and I have
problems
getting an
erection
or
maintaining
one.
Even when
I
masturbate
I don't
always get
a full
erection.
I do wake
up
with a
fully hard
erection
though. I
understand
this could
possibly
be
psychological
and I've
read the
responses
relating
to
achieving
a comfort
zone but
that
doesn't
really
help me.
Should I
go
see a sex
therapist?
Thanks.
Reply to#
15:
Since you
wake up
with a
full
erection,
your
concern is
probably
not
physiological.
Therefore,
your issue
I would
venture to
say
is
psychological,
probably
as a
result of
anxiety,
possibly
mitigated
by
feelings
of guilt.
Sometimes
when
authority
figures
(i.e., the
church,
parents,
etc.)
lecture
against
premarital
sex,
masturbation,
sexual
fantasies,
and so on,
an
individual,
upon
breaking
such
"laws",
develops
feelings
of guilt
associated
with
(performance)
anxiety,
which
obstructs
the proper
functioning
of one's
sexual
response
cycle. In
other
words, by
feeling
guilty
about your
sexuality,
or wanting
to
perform
better,
you are
stopping
yourself
from
having a
full
erection.
Try to
relax and
non-judgmentally
enjoy the
physical
feelings
associated
with
self-pleasuring;
the
erection
will
appear by
itself. If
feelings
of guilt
persist,
find
yourself a
good sex
therapist
to work
with.
Question#
16:
Do men
know when
women have
orgasms?
Reply to#
16:
When women
(and men)
experience
orgasm,
they have
genital
"convulsions"
anywhere
from 3 to
5), each
lasting
approximately
0.8
seconds in
duration,
which is
followed
by a
period of
"rest" (or
resolution).
You may be
able to
feel your
partner
climaxing
during
intercourse
or while
you are
manually
penetrating
her. Aside
from this,
my concern
is the
reason
behind
your
question.
Why is
knowing
when your
partner
has an
orgasm
important
to you? Do
you
believe
she is
climaxing
and not
telling
you or do
you feel
that she
is "faking
it"? In
both
circumstances,
it would
be
beneficial
for both
of you to
communicate
your needs
to the
other.
Women
sometimes
fake
orgasms to
please
their
boyfriend
and
perhaps to
solidify
the
relationship.
Ironically,
the
resentment
these
women feel
for not
having
their
sexual
needs met
is a
detriment
to this
very
relationship.
Faking
orgasm
validates
the
partner's
sexual
behavior;
in other
words, the
male
thinks
that
whatever
he is
doing is
enough or"
correct"
for his
partner to
climax. He
therefore
becomes
conditioned
to behave
in the
same way,
much to
the
chagrin of
his female
partner,
who, all
the while,
is
becoming
more
resentful
of her
partner's
incompetence.
Ask your
partner
openly and
non-judgmentally
about what
she would
like
during sex
and for
how long,
and so on.
Question#
17:
I believe
that I
have a low
sex drive.
My husband
desires
sex more
frequently
than I do.
I am
usually
interested
before &
after my
cycle.
Other than
that I am
usually
ready to
go sleep.
I work
full time
and
have a 3
year old
son. Is
there
something
I can do
to improve
my
drive? My
Spouse is
EXTREMELY
frustrated.
I do love
him and
don't have
a problem
with
arousal or
sex
itself,
but in my
mind, it's
more of a
chore
sometimes.
Reply to#
17:
When the
body is
tired, it
is
difficult,
if not
impossible,
to have
the
desire for
sexual
intercourse.
Do not be
so hard on
yourself.
Working
full-time
and taking
care of a
three-year
old is
like
likely to
drain
anyone.
Eating a
well-balanced
diet and
getting
enough
exercise
would
help your
energy
levels.
Also, on
those days
when you
are not
"in the
mood" but
your
husband is
"extremely
frustrated",
how about
helping
him out
with oral
sex or by
masturbating
him. This
takes less
energy,
and I'm
certain he
would not
complain.
Question
#18:
I am
a 29 year
old who
loves to
have sex
with my
husband
and when I
have
orgasms, I
almost
pass out
or at
least feel
like I am
going to.
Is it
possible
to
actually
pass out?
Reply to
#18:
Yes,
some
people
have
reported
experiencing
a
physiological
state
similar
to
"passing
out".
However,
it is only
for a
short
time. What
I'm
hearing
from your
question
is some
deeper
level of
concern.
Are you
afraid of
becoming
unconscious?
Examine
your
concerns
about this
issue and
communicate
them to
your
husband.
His
support
and
understanding
will help
alleviate
your
deeper
concerns.
Not
discussing
this
issue, on
the other
hand, may
detract
from you
enjoying
what
appears to
be a
satisfying
sex
life.
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