Orgasm Issues

Anorgasmia, Difficulty Reaching Orgasm

Dear Dr. Faizal,

I’m a 24 year old, engaged female who has never experienced an orgasm. I often worry that this will cause major problems in my married life as it can be very frustrating at times. I have been to a sex therapist and I have not seen any results. What more can I do?

Dr. Faizal’s Answer:

Since you have consulted a sex therapist, I am assuming that you have already tried masturbation and perhaps relaxation exercises. If these did not help, there may be deeper issues you may need to address. You say that “it can be very frustrating at times”. I am wondering who this is frustrating for, you or your partner. Orgasm is a physiological reflex which occurs when one’s physical, psychological and emotional needs are being met; and it does not occur in the presence of anxiety. Therefore, when you become frustrated, the accompanying anxiety is counter-productive to you climaxing. Also, if this poses an issue for your partner, you really need to examine your relationship with him. A loving man will be supportive, not critical, of you. Perhaps you could also look at your beliefs surrounding sexual or women’s issues. Did your family of origin speak negatively about sex (especially female sexuality)? If so, you could contact a sex therapist who does psychoanalysis, and together explore unconscious fears pertaining to your sexuality. Sex-positive workshops are also beneficial in obtaining support and learning new techniques.

 

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Passing Out with Orgasm

Dear Dr. Faizal,

I am a 29 year old who loves to have sex with my husband and when I have orgasms, I almost pass out or at least feel like I am going to. Is it possible to actually pass out?

Dr. Faizal’s Answer:

Yes, some people have reported experiencing a physiological state similar to “passing out”. However, it is only for a short time. What I’m hearing from your question is some deeper level of concern. Are you afraid of becoming unconscious? Examine your concerns about this issue and communicate them to your husband. His support and understanding will help alleviate your deeper concerns. Not discussing this issue, on the other hand, may detract from you enjoying what appears to be a satisfying sex life.

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Anorgasmia, Clitoral Orgasms, Orgasms with Intercourse

Dear Dr. Faizal,

I have been sexually active for two years no and I have never had an orgasm during sex. I have only had external orgasms, when I touched on the “outside”. I hate faking orgasms, it makes me feel awful. I was wondering if there is ever any medication prescribed for this? maybe medicine to make my inside sensitive.

Dr. Faizal’s Answer:

When you talk about “having sex”, I’m assuming you mean intercourse. First of all, please allow me to give you some background history/knowledge about your issue. In the sixties, sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, concluded that only 1/3 or 30% of females ever climax while having intercourse. This is so because the main “part” of a woman’s genitalia which, when stimulated, leads to orgasm, is the clitoris. During coitis,however, because of the angle of the penis entering the vagina, there is not much, if any, tactile stimulation on the clitoris. Hence, most women can not achieve orgasm by intercourse alone. One “solution” is to masturbate while your partner is having intercourse with you.

This stigma of “internal” versus “external” orgasms began in the 1930s with Sigmund Freud, considered the father of psychoanalysis. According to him, women who experienced a vaginal orgasm were “mature”, while those who experienced a clitoral orgasm were “immature”. This “theory”, albeit now outdated and unaccepted, pathologised women; it made those women who could not climax through intercourse feel inadequate and inferior to those who could.

Next…you “faking ” orgasms is not such a good idea since by doing so your partner probably feels that whatever he is doing is adequate to bring you to what he considers is orgasm. He needs to be educated about your body and what your needs are for you to climax. In sum, don’t be concerned about “where” your orgasms are coming (mind the pun) from; luxuriate in the fact that you are having them.

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Rapid Ejaculation, Anorgasmia

Dear Dr. Faizal,

I’m a 20 year old guy and in a full sexual relationship with my girlfriend of a similar age. I regularly find it difficult to last very long (not too short) but the sex seems too good to last that long for me. I have been in relationships before where I have lasted up to hours having intercourse but it’s a different story now. I love my girlfriend and would like nothing better than to give her the best pleasure she can get. I try stop-and-go lovemaking but sometimes grudge it as when I start to increase speed and length in time she enjoys it more but I end up having to stop, or orgasm. Then either way she is not having the orgasm, which is all I want. Also sometimes when I stop for a while (stop-and-go lovemaking) I sometimes lose my erection. This is becoming a big problem for me as I know I’ve been able to last longer before and all I want is to give my girlfriend an orgasm, through intercourse as I know if I lasted longer she would. I know it would be easier to pleasure her in other ways, but we both want it to be especially through intercourse as well.

Please help me overcome this problem and give me any advice that could benefit the situation as it makes me feel very low and a failure at times. How can I solve this and eventually make her orgasm through intercourse without having to stop-and-go or without reaching orgasm myself too soon?

Dr. Faizal’s Answer:

You neglected to say if your girlfriend has ever had an orgasm through intercourse (with you or any other partner). If she has had orgasm by way of intercourse in the past, but is presently experiencing difficulty climaxing in a similar way with you, perhaps you need to openly discuss your relationship (sexual and other issues) with her. A woman needs to be in a safe, intimate “space” for her to achieve orgasm. If, on the other hand, she has never had an orgasm through intercourse, she and you should take solace in the statistical fact that only one-third or all women ever climax through intercourse.

If you are adamant about having your girlfriend achieve orgasm while you are penetrating her, ask her to simultaneously masturbate herself. Keep in mind that it is not your “job”to give her an orgasm, and that her not climaxing is not your failure.