Popular Questions

In my role as a sex expert and contributing writer to “Ask a Sex Therapist,” an international online column, I have responded to many questions over the years.

Below are some of the popular questions I am usually asked, followed by my thoughts, perceptions and advice.
Erection Issues
Oral Sex
Vaginal Issues
Fantasies
Sexual Inexperience
What is an Orgasm?
Orgasm Issues
Satisfying a Partner
Sex Drive Issues

 

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New to Sex, Erection Issues

Dear Dr. Faizal,

I am a 20 year old male, in good shape, and very physically active. Recently, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. I was a virgin and had only made out with her twice the week before. I had only known her for 3 weeks but figured that she would be a good person to practice with as she is very calm, open minded, and really sexually driven. When we had sex, I would only get as hard as a 5 or 6 (on 10 point scale, ten being the hardest I’ve been). And then almost immediately, after entering her, I would lose my erection. We tried on and off for about 3 hours to try to have full

orgasmic intercourse. We even tried mutual masturbation, oral sex, and hand jobs. Still, every time that I’d go to enter her, I’d lose my erection.

I’m not highly attracted to her, but is there something wrong with me? How could I be really hard and long lasting when I’m masturbating, but not when I’m having intercourse with her?

Dr. Faizal’s Answer:

Your concern is not uncommon. Losing your virginity involves more than just a physical or sexual-physiological release; it also harbours an emotional component. Most people (men included) wait to lose their virginity to a partner they have strong feelings for; they “make love” instead of just having sex with “a person to practice with”.

Simply put, you are more sensitive than you may be aware of (this is a compliment); as such, your emotions (or lack thereof) are countering your sexual response cycle. A hint to the wise: Sometimes our smaller “head” is smarter than our bigger one – wait until you fall in love with someone and really want to share this special interaction with her.